Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Day 2 and some reflection...

Day 2 of training went well. I woke this morning feeling quite tired. I allowed myself to sleep in and take a nap before training. I figure once I am back training full on I won't have that luxury so I should enjoy it now. Today, I was back in the pool. Nothing intense. I actually did some stroke work to mix it up since I had the option. The majority of my in season training, ok 99% of it, is freestyle, so swimming a little butterfly made me happy. I know, I'm the only person who smiles when swimming butterfly... then again I also like being sore. Speaking of which, I'm so stiff and sore from all of the new exercises that the only time my legs and hips feel alright is when I'm running. I suppose this is a good thing since I need to work on my running. Needless to say, my treadmill session tonight was quite pleasant. Foam rolling my ITB's after was not.

I had a good chat with the woman I nanny for before leaving PV today. I've been feeling overwhelmed as I look ahead and see the workouts piling up on top of the 3 jobs I am currently trying to juggle to make ends meat. I'm at a crossroads. I can admit now that I have never really jumped off the clif and let myself train full on. Perhaps out of fear of not being good enough. The problem with that is that I will never get to see how good I can be. I will constantly be disappointed in myself. But it is scary to devote yourself 100% to something and to hope, to try to keep believing, that if you put in the time and hard work, that you can and will reach your greatest goals. There are so many unknowns and so many obstacles to overcome. It is flat out scary when you step back and really think about it.

And so the crossroad, do I continue on as I have, training at about 70% or do I actually give myself the chance that I deserve. In the past few days I have come to realize that the fear of never being good enough, is now driving me to take a running start and leap off the clif. I don't want to just jump, I want to leap with my whole heart, with everything that I am, at that goal, at the unknown. I'm ready now. I'm ready to become single minded to the point of recklessness. I'm ready to see just how good I can be.

It may have taken me a few years to realize it... but better late than never.

For the past two years, I have been hidden beneath a series of dark clouds. Everything I did, everywhere I went and everytime I tried, I felt this enormous weight and darkness over me. I was carrying the world on my shoulders. Pressures from every corner of my life. Self doubt, anger, frustration, hatred, entrapment and a significant loss of my sense of personal independence weighed on me in everything I did. I tried to shake it so many times, but didn't know how to because it came from so many places in my life. Only recently did I finally find the break in the darkness. I finally found myself again and anyone who really knows me can see it and feel it. It has been a long time since I have been this happy and since I have felt that everything was heading in the right direction.

I don't know if any of that makes sense.

All I know is that the express train is here... and I'm not going to let it leave without me.

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